Nicholas- Part 2: The NICU, and telling fear to shove it.

            Nicholas was born at 11pm (on the dot) weighing in at 5 lb 7 oz. and was 18 inches long. I watched the doctors pull him out of his brave mother’s body, and then a team of people surrounded him and neither of us could see him anymore. Then, it was quiet. Too quiet. I think I may have held my breath waiting to hear something, anything. I looked at his birth mom and told her, I was sure everything was fine and that sometimes it just takes a minute for them to “get going.” Eventually, we heard a squeak, not the robust cry one hopes to hear, but it was something. I am pretty sure she saw right through my teary eyed, broken smile as I spoke so positively; and she said, “go, be with him and make sure he is okay.” I nodded, kissed her on the forehead and left with nurses who had placed him in a closed incubator type crib.

            A nurse took me to a small waiting room where Josh had been waiting alone. It was late, and he sat in a half lit room bent over with his head in his hands. Once in there, the nurse explained to us that the baby had to be taken to the NICU because he was having difficulty breathing and wasn’t getting the oxygen he needed, he also had a very low resting heart rate and they had some concern about that. She also explained that birth mama would not be going to a normal post-partum room either but was going to be in a maternal high risk recovery room due to some complications she started having in surgery. She explained that neither the baby, or his mom would be able to leave their rooms but that Josh and I would be able to go back and forth between them. She placed a hospital band on my wrist and gave us directions to the NICU. We sat and waited for what felt like quite a while.  A bit after 1:30am, we were instructed on the NICU protocol (bring nothing with you, put your cell phone in a plastic bag, and wash your hands for 3 minutes up to the elbow every single time you enter!) Then we were able to see him. 

            It is an odd feeling, walking over to a newborn baby connected to machines that are helping him breathe, looking at all the wires and tubes; while not yet even knowing if this child is your child. Afraid, and happy, and overwhelmed, I (embarrassingly) was a little nervous to touch him. I thought things like, “Be careful Amber, be careful about giving this baby your heart if he isn’t yours. There are just too many unknowns, too much risk. There isn’t a single piece of paper even starting this adoption, and yet here we are staring at this beautiful possibility.” Josh and I couldn’t hold him yet (for medical reasons), we just stood there together and stared at him. Eventually we made our way back to his birth mom’s room and updated her on how things were going. We settled into chairs in her room to “sleep.” Through the night, I quietly snuck up to the NICU about every hour or so to check on him. In the early morning hours (Valentine’s day), while there alone I was praying and thinking through what had just happened.

At first it was:

What if she holds him and wants to keep him….

What if he isn’t medically okay….

What if she signs the papers but then changes her mind….

What if….What if…..What if…..

Then- a moment of clarity amongst the chaos: It doesn’t freaking matter. None of those “what if” fears about the future matter. Plain as day, what I probably “should have” thought all along, hit me upside the face. This baby needs a mom right now. In this hour, in this tender moment, he needs a mom to hold him and love him straight out of this NICU. His birth mom physically couldn’t (and I KNOW she would have been up there beside him if she could), so aside from the nurses- I’m it. Also, if she decides to keep him, that doesn’t change the fact that he needs someone to love on him today. With help from the nurse, navigating the wires I picked him up, and pulled him close. I whispered, “Hi there, I’ve got you. Even if just today, I’ve got you.”

Later that day, Feb 14^th , his birth mom signed the petition for adoption. She invited us to name him whatever we wanted, and said she felt it was important for us to name him. Nicholas got stronger, rapidly with each passing hour and was released from the hospital on Thursday! Court was held promptly on the following Tuesday (21^st) and now he is ours……

Nicholas- Part 1

After baby girl left our home in September (due to revocation by her birth mom) we really weren’t sure if we could keep walking the road of adoption. We were on “hold” for months just trying to catch our breath. After a while, our agency encouraged us to consider walking forward one small step at a time. We weren’t really sure if we would ever be ready, but we knew for certain that we couldn’t hold on for a long emotional roller coaster ride IF we tried again.

So, with our home study expiring in August of 2017, we thought we wouldn’t officially close the door until it expired. We told them, “We really aren’t interested in pairing up with birth moms who have a while to go with their pregnancy. Please only call us if you have a hospital call (a completed delivery where birth mom decides in the final hour to place for adoption and hasn’t picked a family).” These don’t happen very often at all, and honestly we weren’t really holding our breath- but it was all we thought we could handle.

            Fast forward to the 2^nd week of February, I get a phone call from a sister site of our agency. They apparently hadn’t known our request for hospital calls only and had shown our profile to a birth mom, AND that birth mom had picked us, AND wanted to meet us. We were told she was due in about a month, March 12^th but wanted to meet us for lunch as soon as possible. We *almost* said no. Why? That big ol’ F-word: Fear. After praying for a bit about it, we scheduled with the agency to drive to meet her on February 13^th. Just for a quick lunch and back home- or so we thought. We drove about 3 hours and arrived to the agency office at 11:30am. We were quickly greeted by the site supervisor and escorted to a meeting room. She introduced herself and explained that they had an “interesting situation” (I’m already thinking NOPE- we have had enough of interesting situations!) She told us that the birth mom still wanted to meet with us, but wouldn’t be able to make it to the office for our meeting because she had just gone into labor and was on her way to the hospital.

……….jaw hits floor

……….awkward hysterical laughing

            So, we finished our meeting with the supervisor and drove to the hospital. We register at the front desk and are taken to her labor and delivery room. Birth momma is in her hospital gown, laying on the bed having a contraction when we walk in to introduce ourselves!  She asked several questions about our extended family, our jobs, and had us talk to some of her support system. Then she said, “Well, so are you guys okay with this?”

            Fast forward several hours: Nicholas was having a hard time with labor and his heart rate was dipping dangerously low during contractions. Eventually a large team of doctors and nurses came into the room and explained that he would have to be born via C-Section & they needed to take her to the operating room right away. She was understandably terrified. I immediately remembered my C-Section with Noah & how scary that was. I told her she could do it and explained (some of) what it was like. Then, she asked me to come with her to the O.R.! A nurse handed me scrubs and told me to follow them.  Next thing I know, I am holding her hand and talking her through the surgery. Right before he was born, they lowered the screen because she wanted to see his birth. It was absolutely surreal. I had rolled into town make-up and hair done, wearing my heels; thinking I am going out to lunch! Hours later, I’ve got scrubs on over those heels and am seeing a baby born via c section!

We just thought we were going to lunch......