Nicholas- Part 2: The NICU, and telling fear to shove it.

            Nicholas was born at 11pm (on the dot) weighing in at 5 lb 7 oz. and was 18 inches long. I watched the doctors pull him out of his brave mother’s body, and then a team of people surrounded him and neither of us could see him anymore. Then, it was quiet. Too quiet. I think I may have held my breath waiting to hear something, anything. I looked at his birth mom and told her, I was sure everything was fine and that sometimes it just takes a minute for them to “get going.” Eventually, we heard a squeak, not the robust cry one hopes to hear, but it was something. I am pretty sure she saw right through my teary eyed, broken smile as I spoke so positively; and she said, “go, be with him and make sure he is okay.” I nodded, kissed her on the forehead and left with nurses who had placed him in a closed incubator type crib.

            A nurse took me to a small waiting room where Josh had been waiting alone. It was late, and he sat in a half lit room bent over with his head in his hands. Once in there, the nurse explained to us that the baby had to be taken to the NICU because he was having difficulty breathing and wasn’t getting the oxygen he needed, he also had a very low resting heart rate and they had some concern about that. She also explained that birth mama would not be going to a normal post-partum room either but was going to be in a maternal high risk recovery room due to some complications she started having in surgery. She explained that neither the baby, or his mom would be able to leave their rooms but that Josh and I would be able to go back and forth between them. She placed a hospital band on my wrist and gave us directions to the NICU. We sat and waited for what felt like quite a while.  A bit after 1:30am, we were instructed on the NICU protocol (bring nothing with you, put your cell phone in a plastic bag, and wash your hands for 3 minutes up to the elbow every single time you enter!) Then we were able to see him. 

            It is an odd feeling, walking over to a newborn baby connected to machines that are helping him breathe, looking at all the wires and tubes; while not yet even knowing if this child is your child. Afraid, and happy, and overwhelmed, I (embarrassingly) was a little nervous to touch him. I thought things like, “Be careful Amber, be careful about giving this baby your heart if he isn’t yours. There are just too many unknowns, too much risk. There isn’t a single piece of paper even starting this adoption, and yet here we are staring at this beautiful possibility.” Josh and I couldn’t hold him yet (for medical reasons), we just stood there together and stared at him. Eventually we made our way back to his birth mom’s room and updated her on how things were going. We settled into chairs in her room to “sleep.” Through the night, I quietly snuck up to the NICU about every hour or so to check on him. In the early morning hours (Valentine’s day), while there alone I was praying and thinking through what had just happened.

At first it was:

What if she holds him and wants to keep him….

What if he isn’t medically okay….

What if she signs the papers but then changes her mind….

What if….What if…..What if…..

Then- a moment of clarity amongst the chaos: It doesn’t freaking matter. None of those “what if” fears about the future matter. Plain as day, what I probably “should have” thought all along, hit me upside the face. This baby needs a mom right now. In this hour, in this tender moment, he needs a mom to hold him and love him straight out of this NICU. His birth mom physically couldn’t (and I KNOW she would have been up there beside him if she could), so aside from the nurses- I’m it. Also, if she decides to keep him, that doesn’t change the fact that he needs someone to love on him today. With help from the nurse, navigating the wires I picked him up, and pulled him close. I whispered, “Hi there, I’ve got you. Even if just today, I’ve got you.”

Later that day, Feb 14^th , his birth mom signed the petition for adoption. She invited us to name him whatever we wanted, and said she felt it was important for us to name him. Nicholas got stronger, rapidly with each passing hour and was released from the hospital on Thursday! Court was held promptly on the following Tuesday (21^st) and now he is ours……

Nicholas- Part 1

After baby girl left our home in September (due to revocation by her birth mom) we really weren’t sure if we could keep walking the road of adoption. We were on “hold” for months just trying to catch our breath. After a while, our agency encouraged us to consider walking forward one small step at a time. We weren’t really sure if we would ever be ready, but we knew for certain that we couldn’t hold on for a long emotional roller coaster ride IF we tried again.

So, with our home study expiring in August of 2017, we thought we wouldn’t officially close the door until it expired. We told them, “We really aren’t interested in pairing up with birth moms who have a while to go with their pregnancy. Please only call us if you have a hospital call (a completed delivery where birth mom decides in the final hour to place for adoption and hasn’t picked a family).” These don’t happen very often at all, and honestly we weren’t really holding our breath- but it was all we thought we could handle.

            Fast forward to the 2^nd week of February, I get a phone call from a sister site of our agency. They apparently hadn’t known our request for hospital calls only and had shown our profile to a birth mom, AND that birth mom had picked us, AND wanted to meet us. We were told she was due in about a month, March 12^th but wanted to meet us for lunch as soon as possible. We *almost* said no. Why? That big ol’ F-word: Fear. After praying for a bit about it, we scheduled with the agency to drive to meet her on February 13^th. Just for a quick lunch and back home- or so we thought. We drove about 3 hours and arrived to the agency office at 11:30am. We were quickly greeted by the site supervisor and escorted to a meeting room. She introduced herself and explained that they had an “interesting situation” (I’m already thinking NOPE- we have had enough of interesting situations!) She told us that the birth mom still wanted to meet with us, but wouldn’t be able to make it to the office for our meeting because she had just gone into labor and was on her way to the hospital.

……….jaw hits floor

……….awkward hysterical laughing

            So, we finished our meeting with the supervisor and drove to the hospital. We register at the front desk and are taken to her labor and delivery room. Birth momma is in her hospital gown, laying on the bed having a contraction when we walk in to introduce ourselves!  She asked several questions about our extended family, our jobs, and had us talk to some of her support system. Then she said, “Well, so are you guys okay with this?”

            Fast forward several hours: Nicholas was having a hard time with labor and his heart rate was dipping dangerously low during contractions. Eventually a large team of doctors and nurses came into the room and explained that he would have to be born via C-Section & they needed to take her to the operating room right away. She was understandably terrified. I immediately remembered my C-Section with Noah & how scary that was. I told her she could do it and explained (some of) what it was like. Then, she asked me to come with her to the O.R.! A nurse handed me scrubs and told me to follow them.  Next thing I know, I am holding her hand and talking her through the surgery. Right before he was born, they lowered the screen because she wanted to see his birth. It was absolutely surreal. I had rolled into town make-up and hair done, wearing my heels; thinking I am going out to lunch! Hours later, I’ve got scrubs on over those heels and am seeing a baby born via c section!

We just thought we were going to lunch......

Now what??

Oh, friends-
      First we just want to say thank you so very much for your love & prayers over the last month or so. Also- thank you so much for a bit of space while we process all of the changes.

When we learned about the unlikelihood of our Ethiopian adoption coming to fruition, we were given the deadline of June 1st to decide what we would do with that information.
Our options were:
1.) Stay in Ethiopia, going against the concern & warning of our agency
2.) Transfer to a different international adoption program
3.) Transfer to a domestic adoption program
4.) Completely stop the adoption journey

We spent the month thinking, praying and investigating the 4 options. In the end, we felt the tug on our hearts for adoption still so strong, that ending the journey all together just was not a fit for us.

Soo- (drum-roll please)
With renewed hope, on June 1st we officially transferred to a domestic adoption program with the same agency we had been working with in Michigan. Even though they had to make some difficult calls re: the Ethiopian program; we trust them, and their wisdom & experience in adoption.

Things have been FLYING since the decision was made. Between June 2-4th we completed all the medical and legal appointments, and forms for a home study update. On Friday June 5th we had a home study visit. Then this week, Mon & Tues we completed the domestic adoption training required (over the phone) with the agency we are working with. The whole home study update and program change process should be fully complete in 2-3 weeks. Then, all we have left to complete is the online profile and we are available to birth mothers.

Thank You for your support and care. We are so lucky to have the supportive family and friends around us. Please pray with us that we stay energized, and take things one day at a time. Pray that we will not grow overwhelmed, and can focus on the joy of this journey no matter how fast or slow it goes.

Much Love-
Amber, Josh & Noah

Pain

We are hurting friends, big time. To say I am heartbroken to be writing this post is the understatement of the decade.

I never imagined the pain of  “adoption loss,” but we are learning all about it as our 3 year journey to adopt from Ethiopia is now over.

I could probably go months without writing this; however, over a hundred of you have loved and supported us. You have worked hard with us, prayed with us, fund-raised with us, and encouraged us. So, this isn’t our journey alone. Your love and support makes this your journey too.

Four days ago, we were sitting at #38 on the waiting list. At 1pm that day, all of the families in the Ethiopia program (through our adoption agency) were asked to participate in a conference call. In that call, we received the heartbreaking news that our agency is advising families without a referral to move on.  The agency is not “closing” officially in Ethiopia yet because they want to maintain accreditation in Ethiopia for 11 “stuck” families who have referrals but don’t have their children home. They want to see these stuck families through until the end, if it is possible. After that, it is highly likely that they will exit the country, unless something drastically changes in the government processing and approval of adoptions. There are a lot more details I could stick in here & many questions without any answers; however, it feels like none of that really matters at this point.

All we know is that this child whom we longed for, prayed for, planned for, hoped for, has slipped through our fingers. After 3 years of walking this journey, the dream (as we currently understand it) is just….. gone.

We don’t know what is “next.” So we ask that you please, please don’t ask. There is a season of grieving that we just have to walk through first before we can even think about “next.”

Please pray with us and the other (appx) 50 families in our agency who received the same news this past Friday.

Pray for healing.

Pray for peace.

Most importantly, pray for the countless orphans in Ethiopia who need families and need homes, with a government that has shifted and made it almost impossible to provide a family for those children. Our hearts are heavy for these kiddos, though our pain is great, it doesn’t even compare to the children longing for a mommy or daddy to tuck them in each night.

One of the other adoption moms shared this after the conference call, and it brought a small spark of light and perspective to our wounded souls, so I will share with you too:

"When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."--Jen Hatmaker

Love-

Josh, Amber & Noah

Fear & Gumbo

           Ever since a 2007 trip to New Orleans, I've thought about trying to recreate some of the amazing food I ate while there. There aren’t a whole lot of Creole or Cajun options up here in northern Indiana (shocker) and every once in a while it would creep into my mind, “maaaaybe I could try to make that.”  Immediately followed by, “NO WAY, it’ll be a disaster, you’ll burn the roux (after working on it for 40 minutes) and have to start all over again! AAAAAH!”   Then, like a healthy, normal person I’d push the thought to the back recesses of my brain and make something else. Something….safe. Something I knew I couldn’t screw up too badly, and you know what?  I didn’t screw it up- it would turn out fabulous. Fabulous, and safe.

            Now, I wouldn't exactly consider myself a novice cook. I’m no pro by any means, but I know my way around the kitchen. For me, cooking is a bit cathartic and even fun. I LOVE it! The more pots and pans scattered around the kitchen afterward, the better. So yesterday, I decided that it’s just time to try this real deal, pretty authentic gumbo, roux and all. Roux is tricky- takes patience and has to be done just right, so I had heard. Cook it all through until deep chocolaty brown; but stopping before it burns (which is a very fine line).  So, I researched recipes till my eyeballs were going to fall out and then just WENT FOR IT! While cooking the roux, I was nervous, “do I know what I’m doing? I don’t want to be the wife that ruins Valentine’s dinner during the blizzard when we can’t go get take-out if it is a disaster.” Not over exaggerating here folks- a legit BLIZZARD with our county under a travel ban. Bless it. 

So, I stuck some Cajun tunes on Spotify. That is a MUST in my cooking world by the way- tunes must match the cuisine and there also must be dancing while cooking. A lot of dancing, a little dancing, it really doesn’t matter; as long as it is dancing. Noah joined me today. I told him the more we danced, the better dinner would taste. I had to say something to buy time over the 2-hour cooking process.  But my, oh, my- we DANCED. Danced and stirred, danced and waited.

            Anyway, you know what? That beautiful pot of Gumbo may easily have been the best thing I have ever made. Ever. I would have never known if I didn't just try it.

            I waited 8 years to try making that Gumbo. I waited, because I didn’t know how it would turn out. It feels silly talking all serious about a pot of stew, but you know what, there are so many things (little and big) that we wait on, or don’t do. So many times, the reason is nerves, fear, or insecurity. Dumb, Dumb, and Dumb.  I’m calling you out fear. Peace out.

Life Lessons at the bottom of the Gumbo Pot:

1.) DON"T be scared.

2.) No more waiting- do it.

3.) When nervous or anxious, a good life option is to just DANCE IT OUT.

Love,

Amber

Timing

I have been reading (and LOVING) Shauna Niequist's books over the last year. Reading, re-reading, putting them aside and reading them again over the last 12 months. They have been wonderful companions over this year. Ministering to me a year ago, and then preparing me for now.  I highly recommend you go out and buy all of them, and while you are at it just pre-order the next one. You'll thank me (and no, I didn't get paid to say that about the books!)

Something sticking with me, that is sprinkled all through Shauna's writing is the presence of God, and lessons of faith in ALL seasons.

Before Thanksgiving came, I had a wee touch of "the bah humbugs" about the coming holidays. You see, in "the original timeline" for the adoption, sometime around THIS Christmas was "supposed to be" THE Christmas. The Christmas we became a family of 4. The Christmas we finally got to be done with the paperwork, the fees (OH sweet heavens..THE FEES!!) and bring home a little one. 2 1/2 years in the making, and THIS Christmas, I thought it would be about done.

I was wrong.

There have been several delays & setbacks but we keep walking one step at a time. It appears at this time- we have a longer wait ahead than we could have ever imagined.  Right now we sit at #58 on the list of waiting families- but it is okay.

At first, this made me dread the coming of Christmas (hard one to admit). However, I am reminded in this season of Advent that a season of longing and preparation can be good. It can be very good. As with all things, I don't have to understand it  in order for it to be good.

So, in sweet & peaceful anticipation we await God & His perfect timing.

Merry Christmas friends.

Anyone Hungry??

In following a theme of celebration- we want to share ours with you. It was quite a project, but so worth it in the end!

We had been talking for quite some time about celebrating and documenting certain milestones in our adoption journey. Getting on the waiting list was one of those BIG milestones & we had decided quite a while back that we would celebrate by learning how to cook a traditional Ethiopian feast.  It was quite a learning experience but I think it turned out great! We got to share the experience with some close family and everyone was so brave to join us in this new culinary adventure. Eating from a communal platter only using your hands & even "friend feeding"  :)   Noah especially loved the feeding mom & dad part. He is such a sweet helper at heart.

The weekend-long project included:
Doro Wat- (chicken dish, the national dish of Ethiopia)
Yebeg Tibs (lamb dish)
Miser Wat (red lentil stew)
Kik Alicha (split peas & onion puree)
Quosta (cooked greens)
Tikil Gomen Alicha (veggie dish)
Ethiopian Tomato salad
Tej (Ethiopian Honey Wine)
Ayib (Ethiopian Cheese)

All served with Injera, which I did not make, but instead I ordered from Washington D.C.
One project at a time.

Ended the meal with freshly ground Ethiopian Coffee. YUM.

Here are a few pictures from the night!

Exploring raw honey for the Tej

so. many. onions. (this isn't even all of it)

full stove!

teamwork!

We did it!

A few brave souls
Thanks Mom for learning with me and opening your home for the feast!