Nicholas- Part 2: The NICU, and telling fear to shove it.

            Nicholas was born at 11pm (on the dot) weighing in at 5 lb 7 oz. and was 18 inches long. I watched the doctors pull him out of his brave mother’s body, and then a team of people surrounded him and neither of us could see him anymore. Then, it was quiet. Too quiet. I think I may have held my breath waiting to hear something, anything. I looked at his birth mom and told her, I was sure everything was fine and that sometimes it just takes a minute for them to “get going.” Eventually, we heard a squeak, not the robust cry one hopes to hear, but it was something. I am pretty sure she saw right through my teary eyed, broken smile as I spoke so positively; and she said, “go, be with him and make sure he is okay.” I nodded, kissed her on the forehead and left with nurses who had placed him in a closed incubator type crib.

            A nurse took me to a small waiting room where Josh had been waiting alone. It was late, and he sat in a half lit room bent over with his head in his hands. Once in there, the nurse explained to us that the baby had to be taken to the NICU because he was having difficulty breathing and wasn’t getting the oxygen he needed, he also had a very low resting heart rate and they had some concern about that. She also explained that birth mama would not be going to a normal post-partum room either but was going to be in a maternal high risk recovery room due to some complications she started having in surgery. She explained that neither the baby, or his mom would be able to leave their rooms but that Josh and I would be able to go back and forth between them. She placed a hospital band on my wrist and gave us directions to the NICU. We sat and waited for what felt like quite a while.  A bit after 1:30am, we were instructed on the NICU protocol (bring nothing with you, put your cell phone in a plastic bag, and wash your hands for 3 minutes up to the elbow every single time you enter!) Then we were able to see him. 

            It is an odd feeling, walking over to a newborn baby connected to machines that are helping him breathe, looking at all the wires and tubes; while not yet even knowing if this child is your child. Afraid, and happy, and overwhelmed, I (embarrassingly) was a little nervous to touch him. I thought things like, “Be careful Amber, be careful about giving this baby your heart if he isn’t yours. There are just too many unknowns, too much risk. There isn’t a single piece of paper even starting this adoption, and yet here we are staring at this beautiful possibility.” Josh and I couldn’t hold him yet (for medical reasons), we just stood there together and stared at him. Eventually we made our way back to his birth mom’s room and updated her on how things were going. We settled into chairs in her room to “sleep.” Through the night, I quietly snuck up to the NICU about every hour or so to check on him. In the early morning hours (Valentine’s day), while there alone I was praying and thinking through what had just happened.

At first it was:

What if she holds him and wants to keep him….

What if he isn’t medically okay….

What if she signs the papers but then changes her mind….

What if….What if…..What if…..

Then- a moment of clarity amongst the chaos: It doesn’t freaking matter. None of those “what if” fears about the future matter. Plain as day, what I probably “should have” thought all along, hit me upside the face. This baby needs a mom right now. In this hour, in this tender moment, he needs a mom to hold him and love him straight out of this NICU. His birth mom physically couldn’t (and I KNOW she would have been up there beside him if she could), so aside from the nurses- I’m it. Also, if she decides to keep him, that doesn’t change the fact that he needs someone to love on him today. With help from the nurse, navigating the wires I picked him up, and pulled him close. I whispered, “Hi there, I’ve got you. Even if just today, I’ve got you.”

Later that day, Feb 14^th , his birth mom signed the petition for adoption. She invited us to name him whatever we wanted, and said she felt it was important for us to name him. Nicholas got stronger, rapidly with each passing hour and was released from the hospital on Thursday! Court was held promptly on the following Tuesday (21^st) and now he is ours……